Confuse! Refusal of self confidence.

I don't know.

I don't really know.

Deritamu ada hikmahnya. Apa saja yang tidak mengikut kehendak hati, itulah derita.
Theres a reason for every suffering. Suffer is anything that against our desired.

Where should I begin my blog. Its a direct story told by heart.

Once again, I had an exam, everyone was just so different than me. They were able grasp something, whereby me, could understand a thing, its like I'm following blind without knowing why.

Everybody was like better than me, and I don't me to envy them because they are better than me but they are way better than me, I'm afraid that I might be left alone, suffering alone in this world, looking around finding something to cling on. But hey lets take it, its life after all.

I was shocked that they able to do such thing with few struggle, and then some able to do it confidently. Astonishingly, why am I feel drop-out so suddenly. Maybe I meet the best of all, I don't really saw the true picture, but its crystal clear, that they able to make it best, but not me. I try to have faith and regain confidence in what I do. Whats in our heart its what we wishes for, so please, make our heart pure.

I might not care about my life, myself, but its doesn't mean I lose hope and faith to Allah, I still hope that we all will granted Husnul Khatimah (the Good End). My life kinda comflicated, but no bother its just small particle of data of people surrounding me, like my friend said, "without us, you are nothing". Its might be true, because without anyone acknowledge my existen, then I won't even exist, but yet Allah might acknowledge my existen, as we all submit to Him and only Him, InsyaAllah. La haula Quwwatau ila billah (All the strenghts are His and only His), we are nothing without Allah.

Here come pin point of my life, my future. Look at my academic status, I'm not in state that I can have an option to choose. I taking life science in Matriculation College, but to be accurate, I'm suppose to be an account student or physical science student this due to my SPM result (1A for Account Principle, 2A for Physic, 3B for Additional Maths), then why am I taking life science (SPM: 4B for Biology), its a daring decision, I still don't know why, maybe I thought I can become a doctor for some reason, but with my present attitude? I must be dreaming, having day dreaming all the time.

This all make me lost confidence in what I should in the future, to be honest Im not even good in everything, up until now, I just let Allah decide everything for me, I don't know if thats right, even when taking exam, for some reason, I really don't know what to answer, Allah saved me all the time, I'm not capable of anything. I still don't know, if this is alright. Few more week, I have to choose my future, and still I had big doubt on what I should take, one wrong move can make my life misrable, I know because of my previous exprience, I know I should take physical science but maybe Allah had decided that I should take life science for some reason, its probably the way of teaching me, I don't know, its confusing.

I would like to be in creative field, probably research and development field, but thats only interest without any sharpen talent. So far i haven't found my true talent, all I know I have an abstract mind, looking into abstract info, sometimes my understanding are not even valid for reality.

Erghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... I just wrote something weird today, maybe its because I don't sleep yet, and my hand writing by heart. It show how confuse I am. Its weird! Don't read.

tear of fate.